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For all of you who might not be aware, asking for a happy ending is the polite way I use that term loosely of requesting that the masseuse jerk you off at the end of the massage.

If you believe what you read in the media, you will think that happy endings are everywhere in Thailand and almost impossible to avoid if you are looking for a massage.

As a result of this, I was pretty uptight when I agreed to my first Thai massage but after making it through with no uncomfortable privacy infringements, I was sure that the happy ending thing was a myth.

Since that first experience, I have had my eyes opened. When Tim and I were in Chiang Mai, we got to hear about a highly rated massage place just down the road from where we were staying.

We showed up on our last night in the city hoping to get a massage to wind down before we moved on. Unfortunately for us, the place we wanted to visit was so full that we ended up in the seedy looking parlour next door.

As soon as we entered, it became quickly apparent that this business was only able to survive because of the overflow from the more renowned parlour.

It is too big! If you are looking to avoid the above scenario, it is important that you put a fair amount of consideration into choosing a Thai Massage parlour.

As a result of my less than desirable experience, this is what I have learnt about rooting out the good from the bad and the downright ugly. Obviously, if it only rates at 2 stars it is probably fair to assume it is best to avoid this place.

Reviews can also be indicative of the massage style at the parlour, for example, whether the masseuses specialise in a firm traditional massage or a softer Thai oil massage.

Looking up what services are offered in advance will help you decide what to opt for when you get through the doors. Generally speaking, respected parlours will be well maintained and clean.

It is worth keeping an eye out for TripAdvisor certificates on the walls, as industry competition is fierce and these type of accolades are used to draw in customers.

If I have learnt anything from sampling massages all over the country, it is that you cannot predict the level of undress that will be required of you.

Some masseuses ask you to strip to your underwear whereas others will insist you remove all of your clothes in exchange for some paper pants.

I always wait to be instructed before I start stripping off. In my opinion, it is far less embarrassing being asked to remove an item of clothing instead of being told to put one back on!

Most massage parlours will have boards or signs outside, displaying the prices for different types and duration of massages. Worrying about how much the massage is going to cost will not help you relax.

Most of the massages I have had have been pure bliss. There have only been a couple of occasions that made me feel uncomfortable. She had pummelled my calves to jelly and I was just daring to breathe again when suddenly I felt her elbow dig deep into my left buttock.

Far from being a pleasurable experience, the woman was quite literally a human meat tenderiser hammering out her next meal: me.

The massage brought tears to my eyes and left me covered in bruises. That sure showed them. You might not be after a happy ending, but you still want to leave with a smile on your face.

I have had masseuses spread my butt cheeks, stand on me and even tweak my bare nipples as they caressed my naked breasts. Massage prices can vary hugely all over Thailand.

This is partly because even though everyone offers generally the same services sex services will only be performed in certain parlours , they range hugely in location, standard, cleanliness and overall spa experience.

It is possible that there will be a communal massage area and the place might be lacking in luxuries. Although tipping is not compulsory, the masseuses do a very hard and physically demanding job for generally very little money.

How do you know a massage shop offers happy endings? Is it considered rude to ask? One massage shop you walk past has girls sitting outside.

The girls are wearing miniskirts. As you walk past, two of the girls get up and block your way. Only a few of them are sitting outside of the shop.

They are all wearing long dresses, showing no cleavage and none of these Thai massage girls approach you aggressively. How likely is it that you will get a happy ending massage here?

In the video below, you see me walk along one of the sidestreets. You will also see some massage girls sitting outside. Rather than my giving you a list of happy ending massages in Phuket, you can now spot them yourself.

Yes, you can also do that. Not all girls will be up for it, but why not give it a try if you like the girl?

The Thai massage girl with the big tits you see in the clip below, I met her outside of her Patong massage shop after she finished work.

Great value at 1, Baht for long-time overnight. What are the costs of regular and happy ending massages in Phuket?

The girl in the picture below would be such a freelancer. The guy approached her, his friend joined — after 2 minutes of negotiations, they all left for a threesome.

The Happy Ending itself will cost you 1,, Baht. There are some real Thai hotties working in these massage salons, you simply have to look around for a bit.

Sometimes the receptionist will recommend a girl to you, or let you choose from one of the girls that are sitting outside or near the entrance.

If you ask politely, the receptionist will call all girls to line up in front of you. I have experienced this many, many times … Too lazy … but I still have that urge and want a Happy Ending.

However, when it comes to massage places in the area, your options are somewhat limited.

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